Are you there God...it's me Deena...

Oh my Gosh, it's killing me inside.

I can't go on like this without telling him. I want him to be happy. I want to see him so successful, I start balling my eyes out the moment I think about this. It really touches me do deep in my heart I get so emotional. I really want him to be the happiest man on this planet.

I don't think I make it happy. He calls me things that just don't make me feel like I'm the best thing for him. It really makes me think about his ex. Seriously, what type of person was she? And most importantly, what type of person did she make him? I just want him to have the best.

Please God give me a sign.

I love him with all my heart. I love him as a goofy Mark, I love him as a business man, I love him as a fiance, I love him as a boyfriend, I know I'm going to love him as a husband, I know I'm going to love him as a father. But I don't feel like he has/is going to love me for who I am.

I feel like I'm some stuck up, no good, don't deserve him, failure, have nothing to offer kind of girl. I want to be a success, I want to be a caring, giving, loving fiance/wife, I want to be a wonderful, loving, supportive mother.

I want him to look at me and just think the world of me. Am I being too consided? I don't know? Truthfully, I feel like he deserves someone better than me. I feel like I'm never going to be good enough. I feel like everything I do is a big fu&%ing mess and a big fu&%ing joke.

I want "us" to work out more than anthing in the world. I've told my mom this "Mark is the best thing that has happened to me." I'm in this for the long run, but if he keeps putting me down I don't think I, yes me my VERY sesative, unconfident self can handle it... as much as I love him. Like I said, I want the best for him and his future whether that involves me or not..................