the "friend"

There's been times when Mark will talk to me and tell me stories from the past or refer to someone as "his friend"...I know who he's talking about.

I think about this "friend" more often than I should. I just do not understand why. I don't know her, I never met her but I know she exist.

Last night I had a dream about her, and him, and me. It wasn't the first dream. Why do I dream about her? (I wonder if she's ever dreamt about me?) I think it's because I think about her and him a lot and I wonder a lot about what they were like together. Why do I do this? It makes me sad. Sometimes he'll think we did something together and it was really her. I just blow it off and don't say anything but Gosh it upsets me.

When I go to his parent's house there's a picture hanging up on the wall that the "friend" made for Mark's mother. I try to tell myself something of why it's up there trying to justify it. I want to be the type of girl who wouldn't get bothered by stuff like this but I'm not.

We went to his old condo this past weekend...I think of her there too. And he has all his old office stuff in the spare room and what is sticking out from behind a box? A picture the "friend" painted him. I got a little bit pissed but I told him after we left. Because I know if I had stuff laying around from my "friend" he would be pissed too.

When we were about 5 months into our relationship he went out of town and I stayed at his place. I decided to clean his place up for him so I was moving all his clothes from the spare bedroom into his bedroom closet and I found old pictures and more personally stuff...like her vibrator. I throw it all away. It all just makes me think of what "they" had. It's just all this stale energy from the past.

Throw away the pictures, the vibrator, the paintings.

I'm that extra sensative type. It hurts me and makes me feel insicure.