these moments

There was a time during college when I hit rock bottom in my life.

I was going through a lot and being unhappy was an understatement. I was not happy with the people I was living with, I was not happy with who I was hanging out with, what I was doing, I had no direction in my life. I was getting my Associates degree and didn't know what the hell I wanted to do with my life. I didn't have a boyfriend or a true friend. My one and only best friend didn't know what I was going through. She was in her own city with her own friends and her own boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, I know she would have been there for me and supported me, but our friendship was over a cell phone. And I do not like talking on the phone. Still, I'm not using that as an excuse but I guess I just didn't have it in me to tell her.

I basically wanted to kill myself. I remember my mom called me one day. I just got back to my house and one of my roommates was on the couch watching TV. I ran up to my room and told my mom "I feel like killing myself" I said crying. Than my mom started crying "You better not kill yourself because than I'll have to kill myself. I couldn't live without you!" Those 2 sentences run through my mind every now and then.

One day back in September Mark and I were in Washington DC and while we were being shoufered (sp?) around Mark said something that stood out to me. He said something along the lines of "A person may have to hit rock bottom for their life to only get better...and better than what it ever has been." I can't believe I thought of ending my life. I wouldn't take anything back because it's made me who I am today. And moving in the middle of 7th grade, I wouldn't change that now for anything because it lead me to Mark.

I remember I was driving down a street in Columbus after college and I was working for a babysitting service and I was like "Please God, is there anyone here in Columbus for me?" Because I had my heart broken too many times and I prayed for me to find him. I wanted to find the man that I was going to spend the rest of my life with and in my words to myself "be the last person I will sleep with"... I know it sounds funny but I didn't want to go out and keep trying to find him.

And I found him and he came to me at the right time in my life. I've already hit rock bottom and from then on it's only gotten better... and keeps getting better. :)